A life that was over before it was spent

It’s been so long.. and there’s a reason why.. I just wanted to stay away from tumblr.. to keep all my thoughts and feelings inside.. to give it a chance.. This year has been all about last chances.. last shots.. and this was mine.. My last chance cause I feel I can’t take it anymore.. and I thought this was gonna make me feel better..

I don’t really know what I’m writing right now.. my mind’s somewhere else.. but I can feel my fingers typing.. and I can’t stop..

Cold.. that’s all I can feel right now.. If only I could say.. everything I’m feeling right now.. If only there was someone listening.. anyone.. just stop my heart from beating.. every beat hurts so.. so bad.. and I feel myself falling and I remember your voice saying.. I don’t want you to have to be drugged anymore.. If I only knew back then you were lying.. and all I got is my mind.. and it’s betraying me right now.. bringing back all those thoughts and memories.. lies..

I wish you could hear me.. now.. listen to me.. tell me how it’s like? how does it feel? I know I can’t hear you voice but you can speak through me.. just tell me.. just talk to me.. i don’t want to be the only one.. help.. help me..

So it meant one more year.. one last year. To live or to leave. No more waiting for things to happen. Make them happen or die trying. Only after you lose everything you’re free to do anything. So.. nothing to lose and free to do what ever I want. FIND a reason to stay or justify my departure. Not knowing or even caring.. whatever happens happens.. cause the more I drink, the more I drink.. I’m not scared anymore. Either option is good for me.. in the end if I actually find a reason to stay.. I’ll stay and be just as happy as possible!! and that’ll be ok. If I find it impossible to find something, someone to hold on to.. I’ll let go and move on and be as happy as I never could have on earth!! and that’ll be ok. 

I’m selfish and believe that self help is the best help. But obviously my “self help” was taking me each day a step closer to the abyss.. so. I asked for help..

Therapy and medication that have only helped explore the different aspects of my sick mind and nearly blind and asphyxiate me to death. But no solutions. Getting worse.

At times nearly convinced I wouldn’t make it through the whole year.

MOTIVATION. What a little trip somewhere far can do. A little window to hold on to. The FIRST decision made BY me FOR me WITHOUT help, opinions, advice.. just run away!! DO SVIDANIYA everything!! .. non posso piu!! me ne vado e arrivederla!! 

The best thing I could’ve done. Everything’s changed. Replaced my presc meds for some other better non presc meeeeds……. I can breath, I can exist.. I can keep looking for that reason.. only hoping to find it, still not sure i will. avoiding carbon monoxide.. Pretty houses and pretty gardens and 5 months left. I feel good an optimistic but the bullet’s still hanging. And now it sucks because I feel Im talking to some one.

Year after year I found myself wondering what am I doing? why am I still here? for how long will I be able to tolerate this?.. Each year standing in the same place as the year before. Hoping for something to change.. “Maybe next year things will be better”, “maybe I’ll be somewhere else”.. And I tried, God knows I tried. But nothing happened, nothing changed. Every day was a copy of a copy of a distant day I once lived. A constant déjà vu. And then it all started. Sadness, depression, fear, anguish, anxiety, hatred.. days, months, years.. But then one day something actually changed. One day I wake up and I realized.. it was all gone. Every feeling I had before.. all gone. There was nothing left. Suddenly I didn’t have a care in the world. Nothing mattered anymore. Nothing made me happy, or sad, or angry.. So there was no point going on.. and honestly I was too tired to wait for things to get better, to find hope. I was just done with life.

February 13th 2011. “Today I can finally fall asleep and find some rest because today I know, I finally know for sure, there’s no pain that lasts forever for today I decided to put and end to mine”.

Relief. Insomnia was gone too. It would look like an accident. No one would know. Painless. Perfect. When?.. Every month was special for someone.. mom’s bday, mom’s day, sister’s bday, cousin’s wedding.. Christmas??.. I didn’t want to ruin any special day. But it had to be done. “One last EVERYTHING” I thought.

lollyp0ps asked: just saw you have a lot on your blog about Bipolar disorder, you seem very strong. im going to the doctors in about a week to see if i have it, i already have other disorders so im crossing my fingers Bipolar isnt going to be added to the list, just wanted to know how it affect you?x

hey I’m sorry I hadnt answered.. so howd it go?? Im here whenever you need to talk!! xoxox

nickiscrazy asked: Everything holding up kiddo <3?

Im ok.

Yes, i like the style of the blog <3

im glad you’re ok.. im on my way to be ok too ;) hope I get there soon

Anonymous asked: I have missed you.. Please smile.


<3

hey! dont miss me.. im back.. ive been a little busy thats all ;)